Sex on the Beach ... Revealed

by Sarah Ballance
author of RUN TO YOU (a perfect example of how a well-intended trip to the beach can go "awry")

Ah, sex on the beach. Is there anything more sensual, more romantic, more … seriously overrated? Yep—you read that right! You know that scene where the girl is on her back with Mr. Shirtless Abs sprawled over her? He's got his hands in her hair (and way too much styling product in his), her makeup is perfect, and the water washes up to about their knees and then recedes … every time? Yeah, sure. What beach are they on?

Here's the ugly, ugly truth. First, the surf never hits the same distance on the sand twice. It might rise to your toes one time and your calves the next, but at some point a huge wave will come (always freakin' before you do) and you will absolutely, positively DROWN.

Now, most people seem to attempt sex on the beach with their toes to the water (which I'm guessing not because I stare at people who are actually doing it, but because I've seen the commercials for perfume, birth control pills, and beer) and if you are one of those people, good for you. The water will go straight up your nose. So will the sand and seaweed. As for those little sand crabs who burrow down as soon as they hit something solid, who knows where they'll end up. (Yeah, that's a whole other paragraph.)

Moreover, sand is abrasive. Some folks actually use sand for removing paint and other industrial elements from things ("sandblasting"), which in my opinion stands as proof-positive that it can be a tad bit uncomfortable. It can also make condoms a tad bit ineffective, which is how you might end up a little bit pregnant. (For the record, this is NOT how I ended up with any one of my six kids.)

Someone out there reading this is clever. They are thinking they will have epic, mega-hot sex on the beach in the standing position. Okay … standing against what? The pier? A lifeguard stand? There are usually people congregating there, but let's assume you've found a deserted spot … then let me tell you about a little thing called a "splinter." I know sex is all about things entering other things, but a splinter should not be entering anyone, anywhere. Those are not screams of joy, folks.

Clever Reader has another plan: the beach towel. Okay, throw it on the sand—or, better yet, lay it out really careful-like so absolutely NO sand finds its way onto the surface. Go ahead—I'll wait. Heck, I'm even cheering for you a little. Ready? Okay. Now let me tell you about something called a SEABREEZE. Yep, even if you're not getting pelted, there is always, always, always sand skipping along the beach. This means you will have sand on your towel, but that's not your biggest problem. Your BIG problem is how sand loves to stick to wet surfaces.

Now, stay with me here. If you're laying on the towel having epic sex on the beach, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume some part of you (man or woman) is wet because, well, as soon as tab A is inserted into slot B, tab A is also wet. (Sorry … I didn't have a beach analogy for that one.) And then tab A and slot B both have sand clinging to them, and we're right back to abrasion. Or … you could stick to the wet sand to reduce that particular issue, but here's a tip: the wet sand is wet for a reason. (See above.)

Still hanging on to a shred of hope? Here's one more tidbit you'll enjoy for the duration of your sexcapade: there will almost always be seagulls in attendance. Hey, you're on a deserted beach (uh, aren't you?) and they're hoping you're gonna drop a potato chip—can you blame them for watching every move with those black, beady eyes? (That won't freak you out, will it?)

But an audience of heckling seagulls? Heck, that's nothing compared to those wee little sand crabs.

I hear they tickle.

If you want to find Sarah, you can forget checking the coast. She's spending the month of April on the Noble Romance Authors Blog Tour handing out mega prizes, including a number of t-shirts warning folks of the dangers of the beach (seriously). To qualify to win tons of author swag, books, e-books, or a portion of $300 in prizes--including the $100 grand prize to EDEN FANTASYS--visit the official blog by clicking here. (And if you win the grand prize, I wouldn't recommend taking your toy to the beach. You know ... sand.)