Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sex on the Beach ... Revealed

by Sarah Ballance
author of RUN TO YOU (a perfect example of how a well-intended trip to the beach can go "awry")

Ah, sex on the beach. Is there anything more sensual, more romantic, more … seriously overrated? Yep—you read that right! You know that scene where the girl is on her back with Mr. Shirtless Abs sprawled over her? He's got his hands in her hair (and way too much styling product in his), her makeup is perfect, and the water washes up to about their knees and then recedes … every time? Yeah, sure. What beach are they on?

Here's the ugly, ugly truth. First, the surf never hits the same distance on the sand twice. It might rise to your toes one time and your calves the next, but at some point a huge wave will come (always freakin' before you do) and you will absolutely, positively DROWN.

Now, most people seem to attempt sex on the beach with their toes to the water (which I'm guessing not because I stare at people who are actually doing it, but because I've seen the commercials for perfume, birth control pills, and beer) and if you are one of those people, good for you. The water will go straight up your nose. So will the sand and seaweed. As for those little sand crabs who burrow down as soon as they hit something solid, who knows where they'll end up. (Yeah, that's a whole other paragraph.)

Moreover, sand is abrasive. Some folks actually use sand for removing paint and other industrial elements from things ("sandblasting"), which in my opinion stands as proof-positive that it can be a tad bit uncomfortable. It can also make condoms a tad bit ineffective, which is how you might end up a little bit pregnant. (For the record, this is NOT how I ended up with any one of my six kids.)

Someone out there reading this is clever. They are thinking they will have epic, mega-hot sex on the beach in the standing position. Okay … standing against what? The pier? A lifeguard stand? There are usually people congregating there, but let's assume you've found a deserted spot … then let me tell you about a little thing called a "splinter." I know sex is all about things entering other things, but a splinter should not be entering anyone, anywhere. Those are not screams of joy, folks.

Clever Reader has another plan: the beach towel. Okay, throw it on the sand—or, better yet, lay it out really careful-like so absolutely NO sand finds its way onto the surface. Go ahead—I'll wait. Heck, I'm even cheering for you a little. Ready? Okay. Now let me tell you about something called a SEABREEZE. Yep, even if you're not getting pelted, there is always, always, always sand skipping along the beach. This means you will have sand on your towel, but that's not your biggest problem. Your BIG problem is how sand loves to stick to wet surfaces.

Now, stay with me here. If you're laying on the towel having epic sex on the beach, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume some part of you (man or woman) is wet because, well, as soon as tab A is inserted into slot B, tab A is also wet. (Sorry … I didn't have a beach analogy for that one.) And then tab A and slot B both have sand clinging to them, and we're right back to abrasion. Or … you could stick to the wet sand to reduce that particular issue, but here's a tip: the wet sand is wet for a reason. (See above.)

Still hanging on to a shred of hope? Here's one more tidbit you'll enjoy for the duration of your sexcapade: there will almost always be seagulls in attendance. Hey, you're on a deserted beach (uh, aren't you?) and they're hoping you're gonna drop a potato chip—can you blame them for watching every move with those black, beady eyes? (That won't freak you out, will it?)

But an audience of heckling seagulls? Heck, that's nothing compared to those wee little sand crabs.

I hear they tickle.

If you want to find Sarah, you can forget checking the coast. She's spending the month of April on the Noble Romance Authors Blog Tour handing out mega prizes, including a number of t-shirts warning folks of the dangers of the beach (seriously). To qualify to win tons of author swag, books, e-books, or a portion of $300 in prizes--including the $100 grand prize to EDEN FANTASYS--visit the official blog by clicking here. (And if you win the grand prize, I wouldn't recommend taking your toy to the beach. You know ... sand.)


H.C. Brown said...

LOL....I really needed a good laugh. Thanks Sarah.

C. Zampa said...

I suggest, Ms. Ballance, you come to Galveston for sex on the beach. In the summer, sometimes so sultry there's no wind at all, no beautiful dunes with dusts of sand like other beaches, just flat, hard mud. Not so much on the comfort side, but then not as gritty as the nicer beaches. LOL. But there IS the romantic roar of the surf, which does sound the same no matter which beach you're on.
And I happen to enjoy audiences of seagulls! Something rather kinky in all that. LOL!

Just joking, of course. But I'm glad I read your post. Somehow, deep down, I just KNEW that sex on the beach was only good as a drink, and was not the erotic experience as depicted in From Here to Eternity. Sigh.

Sarah Ballance said...

Hi, HC! Glad you enjoyed it. ;c)

DA Kentner said...

A very gritty topic.

Sarah Ballance said...

ROFLMAO Zampa! I hear ya! There *is* a way to have fab SOTB, but I just couldn't throw that in there. Woulda ruined the mood, you know? However, if I'm ever arrested in Galveston, I'll give you a call to come bail me out. As of this moment, it will officially be your fault!

Sarah Ballance said...

DA, you've had your coffee, haven't you? I love a good one-liner in the morning, LOL!

Rosalie Stanton said...

I've only been to an actual beach once...when I was thirteen or fourteen. I didn't care for it. I don't like the smell of seaweed, for one thing...

But this? Oh my God, you hit the nail on the head, and then drove it home with a dose of perfect Sarah-humor. ;) Sex on the beach (the act, not the drink) is so ridiculously cliche to begin with, but more over, just plain uncomfortable in actuality.

Just another reason why you win. ;)

Sarah Ballance said...

Rosalie, you're breaking my heart! You ... don't like the ... beach? Oh, what we could have had together! *wails* But that's okay. You ended with flattery, so we'll try to work through this. *sniffle*

Ade S said...

I am laughing so hard I nearly choked on pizza. I've had great sex at the beach, but lets face it. I was 17 yrs old, and what sex is not a little thrilling at that point?

JillNoelle said...

I just woke up and read this. I will never lQQk at the beach the same again. I imagine the next time I'm on the beach, which will probably be today sometime, I will think of what I just read and reflect back to one of the many times that a sand crab has joined my party uninvited. Thanks for the laugh Sarah, I'll be smiling a-lot today thinking of your post.


Anonymous said...

The comment above was written by ME,(Scott) not Jill! I would never comment on any sex capade that Jill may or may not have had, with a sand crab! ;-)

Scott T

Melissa Pickering said...

GOD, I miss the ocean. Growing up, the ocean was my backyard.

Fantastic post. I laughed. I winced. I nodded my head in agreement. I will NEVER be so desperate for nooky that I will allow sand up my tookus. Never.

I'll take my sex on the beach in a highball glass, thanks. :)

Sarah Ballance said...

Careful, Ade, with the pizza. Those seagulls are bold little suckers! ;c)

Sarah Ballance said...

Hiya, Scott. What'd you do - switch name tags in the dark? LOL! I think you might see the business end of one of her paddles after that one! ;c) I think I hurt myself laughing ... ow.

Sarah Ballance said...

Melissa - LMAO! DESPERATE? Where's your passion, girl? (I guess that's reserved for the moment you discover the sand, right?) Oh, dear. Our husbands will never let us visit now (as if the combined 10 kids wasn't reason enough.)

Carrie-Lynn said...

Just the laugh I needed for today! Still though, it's something I'd like to try at some point so I could atleast say I've done it...or maybe I should just skip the experience.
Thanks for te much needed laugh!

Sarah Ballance said...

There IS one secret to awesome SOTB, but my hubby would kill me if I said it out loud. A little creative experimentation might be in order for ya! *Grin*

AllureVanSanz said...

I actually had an entire conversation about how ludicrous sex on the beach is. It's like you were there and recording!

However, I have had sex on the beach...standing up, pressed against a damp boulder, and while not ideal the following day (waking up to scratches and bruises and a salt water film on the teeth)...when hammered is a lot of fun. Or at least--what parts I remember were a lot of fun. It's entirely possible, though, I drunk-dreamt the fun and instead just past out on the boulder drooling and hallucinating. Ahhh the early 20s. How I don't miss you at all.


Sarah Ballance said...

@Allure - ROFLMAO! A boulder ... OUCH! I can't help but think of a pool table and how that thin layer of felt is almost useless cushion over the slate. Boulder action? Yowza! Have not tried that. Will inform the H there's something we missed. *giggle*